Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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