i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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