I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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