so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
