my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
