it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
