im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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