Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
