at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
