Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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