just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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