I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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