Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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