I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
