theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
