What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
