By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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