Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
