got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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