Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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