Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I want you more than these girls want KFC
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
