it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
