I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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