I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
