Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
