i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
