I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
