He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
