my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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