It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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