Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
