I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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