My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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