I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
