Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize