When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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