You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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