I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
