I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
