I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i love accidental penises.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
