Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
