those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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