Im at strip club and am horny
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
