Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
they're like a gay fantastic four
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
