I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
