so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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