I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
