got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
