I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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