If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
