two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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