Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
