One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
