I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
