Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
