I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
