Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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