awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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