took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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