How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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