I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
